Humourous Bits
Humourous Bits
Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95.
Radio #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Radio #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE
WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
I don't think the image below can really be classed as full nudity
as although nothing is being worn, I think it needs a fairly major
expedition to find anything that could be regarded as even vaguely
erotic / arousing / genital in nature. Of course if big boobs are your
thing, then I guess they might count. She (for I think it is female)
must presumably need some fairly serious power to be able to
uphaul from that position. Somehow I reckon even really str8
guys would think twice before turning down a BJ from a cute lad
instead of having to hump away at this young lady.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day,
Show a man how to fish and he eats for a lifetime,
Give a man a fire and he is warm for a day,
Set a man on fire and is warm for the rest of his life.
I know it is not politically correct, but I found it funny.
While busy working I was handed this piece of fax paper, it contained, among other things, a rather unusual article which was printed first in the Los Angeles Times. It was an article from a hospital who held a press conference on a rather unusual case they had admitted.
Anyone who finds sexual kinks and perversions distasteful are respectfully reminded that the "back button" on their browser DOES work and they should read no further. The following article is true, sick, perverse and had me crying with laughter. Read it if you want to.
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake, but I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski and his gay partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained.
"As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract."
No comment was made on the health of the Gerbil.
The Signs you can find on cars - and what they mean
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Must be displayed to the front and rear of a vehicle when the driver is under instruction.
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Optional plate to be displayed at the rear of a vehicle to indicate that the driver is newly qualified.
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New compulsory warning sign to warn other road users that the driver of this vehicle is either a poor driver, below average intelligence or (in the event of multiple warning signs), both.
Warning signs to be attached to doors and windows as stickers and/or flags.
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Poetry Time
The following poem was something that a great family friend (Gordon Cooper) once told my sister and I (but only told us the first two verses and even they had been "toned down" a little"). He said he would tell us the poem in full when we were both older - though very sadly he died before revelaing the rest of the poem to us. After YEARS of occasional searches on google, I finally found it in full. Hope you like it.
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The Bell was rang for breakfast,
By the butler, all portly and stout,
Ma came down with the pisspot,
And Pa with his cock hanging out.
"Good morning my children", said Father,
"As manners have long been our boast",
"Manners be buggered", said Thomas,
As he wanked himself off on the toast.
Then Percival pissed in the pickles,
And farted in Fred's freckled face,
Before anyone there present could stop him,
Young Albert had twice fucked young Grace.
Then Sam shoved a sausage up Suzie,
And laughed long and loud at the joke,
Then Ma got Pa to piss on the fire,
So Baby could play with the smoke.
"You've behaved well my Children", said Father,
As he prepared Flossie the Maid for a fuck,
But before you go play in the garden,
Shit once in the passage for luck.
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Why We Love Children
Some are anecodotes, possibly true; others are, I suspect, just jokes.
In any case, they brough a smile.
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can
you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM
OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and
said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
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