Van

Greetings, yes it is true, I do have a van.

Yes it is big enough to move someone from one home to another in one or possibly two trips.

It is also true that I have done such things for people before, however please note the following to avoid disappointment or having me drive off with your belongings stuck in the middle of nowhere because you didn't read and stick to the following points :)

Now although I am often happy to help friends and even casual acquaintances out, starting off your request by buying me a pint first and then asking if I can "just give you a quick hand to move".... is almost guaranteed to have me thank you for the pint and walk away declining the offer to help you. Guilt-trips tend not to work on me, they just annoy me a smidge. :)

Please bear in mind also that although you might "just" want moving from one part of Wellingborough to a nearby village, if I have a load of my own stuff in the van, I first have to drive over to the storage depot, offload it there, drive back to do your moving and then drive back to the storage depot to reload whatever it was I wanted in the back of my van. So a "quick little move for you" might be two round trips of about 14 miles for me and unloading/reloading half a ton of my own equipment on my own. Again, may not be a problem and I might very cheerfully help you out, but you can see why the "just give me a quick hand to move..." line is more than a bit frustrating.

If you are CLOSE family or a truly solid friend of years standing, you can ignore the money aspect of this - but please note all other important points!

1. Although I am fully insured from a legal perspective to drive the van, other people's contents are NOT insured. If the van crashes or I go over a bump and all your belongings are trashed, then that's just really bad news for you. If you want fully insured professional home moving, then try Pickfords. If you are moving locally it will only cost you a few hundred pounds with a bit of luck. If you are moving a good number of miles then you might need to do some shopping around.

2. If I do agree to help someone, it is when it is convenient for me as much as you. Much better for YOU to take a day off work than for me to have to faff about early in the morning. If this seems selfish or unfair, may I remind you of the existence of those lovely Pickfords people. If you are genuinely desperate, I may agree to do a morning thing but there will be a "buggering about" fee - see charge table below.

3. Big things in first. That doesn't mean "Big things when a mate who is oversleeping finally turns up to give you a hand move the bulky things". If we load in a bedside table and have a dozen bits of small shite and you then you make comment about a wardrobe, mattress or bed base that needs to go it, you are going to be even more pissed off than me as YOU will then need to unload / reload the van so the large items can go in first. This takes more time which costs you more money.

4. If you ask me to help you move and you are working on the basis that there is some friendship / acquaintance thing going on and you want mates rates, better be upfront if you are asking on behalf of someone else. If I find we are neither going TO your house or FROM your house, there is a very real danger of you being abandoned with those things on the roadside. I don't like being used as a cheap resource to help out someone who is virtually a stranger to me unless people are being upfront.

5. When I arrive, you need to be ready to start loading - with me in the back of the van plonking things as I see fit. Furniture that will not move about easily should have been moved into the hallway ahead of me turning up, not still upstairs waiting for JimBob to work out how to disassemble it while you load in the bedside tables. If you don't want your furniture scratched / marked, then you need to provide as many blankets / sheets to protect the surfaces as you think fit. A scratch means YOU didn't protect the item well enough.

6. Small things ought to be in boxes so they do not spill out all over the place. This saves us both time and you a lot of money. As for valuables, keep them on you and/or take them in your own car. I am NOT insured for your belongings and refuse to take any responsibility for them. You are simply hiring me as a loader/unloader and driver. All responsibility for your belongings rest with YOU. If that seems a bit harsh, then once again, those Pickfords folks are itching to take a grand or so off your hands.

7. About a month ago, I almost gagged on something that was actually still damp with someone's or something's exudates. At the VERY least double bag any grim bedding in STRONG (not the cheap rot that rips when you look it at) bin liners with a drawstring top. You may have got used to aunt Matilda pissing the bed and the poodle shitting everywhere as if it had a sprinkler system installed in its arse - but I am not used to it, nor do I wish to commence acclimatisation.

8. At the other end, again you need folks to help you unload, I am a driver and a "sorter outer" in the back of the van, I am not lugging anything more than from the tail lift to inside the van and back again later. If they are not there, I will help you unload the van to the side of the road and I'll be on my way.

9. As well as furniture, I will carry up to two people in the front of the van. Please note this means NONE, ONE or TWO PEOPLE, not three people - or two people and a dog "as he is very well behaved....oh.....er..... sorry! he doesn't normally shit in other people's vans". No Pets, no more than two people (yes even if one can sit on your lap as we are only going around the corner). If it's only around the corner, tell them to walk :)

10. If you want me to park on the road where even unloading is prohibited, then you pay a deposit in cash of £100. If one month later I have no ticket, you get your £100 back. If you don't want to take the risk, guess what, neither do I :) Also I will estimate the amount due which you can then handover AT THE START. If we finish up quicker than planned you get every bit of change due back to you there and then. Please don't piss about muttering darkly about cashpoints not working, get your money sorted out before you even think of calling me. Been there twice now, not doing it again. Cash up front or off I pop. You know, a bit like the lovely Pickfords people insist on.

11. If you cancel and do not give me at least 24 hours notice, either make sure I am suitably placated with ample beer left behind the bar for me or do not even *think* to ask me to help you move again. someone actually said to me (after I finally got through to them) "Oh yeah, sorry about that - I was a bit busy so I thought I'd get you do it at the weekend, I meant to tell you". Alas I was justy too busy to help them after that......

12. Do bear in mind those lovely people from Pickfords, they may cost a bit - but they will put up with (slightly) more crap than I will!

Hugs :)

Mark

The Cost

	Per Hour (that I am away from my home)	Per Mile (round trip from my home)	Weekend / Morning surcharge
Immediate / Close Family & True Friends of many years standing	£ FOC	FOC	Cooked Breakfast & Ample cups of tea
Extended Family & Good Friends	£ 5	£1	£ 10
Good Acquaintaines / Friends	£ 10	£1	£ 15
Pub-Only type Friends & Acquaintances	£ 15	£1.25	£ 20
Who did you say you were again?	£ 35	£1.50	£ 30
General Stranger Rate	£ 45	£2	£ 40
Belligerant Arse Rate (Minimum £200 in advance)	£ 60	£3	£ 60

Work out the charge from the table above and, if it seems an agreeable amount, then let me know when you want a hand move. The per mile from my home does little more than cover my diesel costs. The van is very useful but running costs are high. Likewise, although it might only be half a mile from where you are to where you are moving to, I still have to drive to you and drive home again. Alas that still takes up my time and the diesel costs just the same.

I realise some people will read this and think I am a horrible person - awesome, this page has served me well and Pickfords is waiting for your call! - other people however will realise that my time is as valuable to me as theirs is to them - and do not expect everyone to give them a free ride through life - and self respect apart from anything will ensure they want to pay something. For those people, I will be only to happy to help.

I will let people decide where in the above table they are, if I wildly disagree I will just think you are a prat and probably ignore you. If you really need a hand working it out, try this quiz below. (Do not bother looking up answers or cheating - you will not be tested - it will simply give you an idea of the strength of our friendship if you answer truthfully). The close family thing is simple: parents, sister, niece and nephews. Not great uncle dorothy's estranged second cousin's dog's minder.

Question	2 points	1 point	0 points
Do you know my FULL name (not just Mark Tibbert)	Yes	Been told but forgotten	No
Do you know when my Birthday is?	Yes	Month Only	No
Did we exchange a card/ and/or gift at Christmas	Yes	One-way only	No
Have you been invited to my house?	Yes on own or with a partner	Yes but only with a few others	No
Have you been to my house during the day	Yes	Yes - but only following the night!	No
Have I been invited to your house?	Yes	Yes with others	No
Have I popped around to your just for tea / coffee / chat	Yes - often	Once or twice	No
Have you popped around to mine for tea / coffee /chat	Yes - often	Once or twice	No
Do we know each other well enough to arrive uninvited	Yes - and one or both of us have done	Yes but it hasn't happened	No
How long have we known each other to chat together	Five years or more	Two years or more	Less than two years
Have we been out for a meal together in the last two years	Yes (just us / small gathering)	Yes - but a large group (8 or more)	No
Have you helped me in the past with something	Yes	No but would if I had asked	No
Have I helped you in the past with something	Yes a fair bit	Yes but only a little	No
If you had something small I needed and you had spare	Give freely or sell at very fair price	Maybe give a small discount	Going Rate only!
If we went out for a meal, who would pay	We both want to pay academic who does	Split it 50/50	I pay
Do we know each other outside of a pub setting?	Yes	Yes though only a little	No
Are we presently "Facebook Friends"	Yes	Yes but unfollowed to avoid waffle	No
Have we worked together on anything together in the past	Yes - joint venture	Yes but only "sort of" / short time	No
Have I lent you something before?	Yes - and it was given back on time	No	Yes and not given back on time
Have you lent me something before?	Yes	No - but only as I didn't ask you	No
Did we speak on New Years Eve by phone or text?	Yes, YOU called me or we at same venue	Yes, I called you	No
Do you think I have an X-Ray machine in my workshop?	Yes of course, what a silly question	Doubt it - but not quite sure	No
Have you ever met my folks (parents, sister, nephews etc)	Yes - two or more	Yes - one of them	No
Have I ever met your folks (parents, sister, nephews etc	Yes - two or more	Yes - one of them	No
Have you ever traveled more than 50 miles to see me	Yes	No - only known you when local	No
Have I ever traveled more than 50 miles to see you	Yes	No - only known when local	No
Have we ever slept in the same room together	Yes	Sort of - one or both dozed off	No
Have we ever shared the same bed?	Yes	Yes - one on top one under covers	No
Have I trusted you with money in the past	Yes - and you proved to be trustworthy	No	Yes - and you will sort it out one day

TOTAL UP THE ANSWERS!

Add points for the following three questions if they apply to you (this is to take into account

questions relating to visiting one another / social opportunities etc). The third question also

takes into account solid friends over extended time, linked to other mutual friends.

Bonus 1 - Add 6 points if you live more than 150 miles away

Bonus 2 - Add 4 more point if you live more than 500 miles away / overseas

Bonus 3 - Add 5 points if we have known each other AND mutual friends over 10 years.

Don't take the results below too personally, this is only a ROUGH guide, you should know

yourself what our friendship means to each other - but if you are scoring 12 or so, we both

know you aren't going to be getting family rates!

> 50 Possibly a couple of people might get this score!

> 38 True friend almost certainly of many years standing

> 30 Very good friend

> 25 Good friend

>20 Friends / Good acquaintance

> 12 Who are you again?

<=12 Jo Public